We Could Be Heroes

Temple is not fond of other dogs.  She might be okay with it in the right situation, but the right situation hasn't presented itself.
"Hey, papi.  I'm coming home.  We have Hunter, too.  Lock Temple in the bedroom and prepare Lola's old crate."  I texted.  

We hearded Hunter through our house and into the front room.  And then, we just sort of sat there.  Alec sat in the back half of the house with Temple.  Coming home wasn't even really coming home.  

I thought about some of the things that led to the blow up.  My sister found a box of old pictures in one of the boxes at my mom's house.  I saw a Christmas ornament with my elementary school picture cut-out face on it, lying on the floor.  It was on a figure of an angel and the glitter was falling off.  A picture of my brother, bleaching in the sun through the window.  While we were watching T.V. one night, my mom acted innocuous when someone made a reference to a Caesarean section.  She was there when we saw my sister give birth to my niece, via c-section.  She didn't remember it.  

Hunter started whimpering when we tried to go to bed, even though he had a plush bed in the open crate.  Alec rolled out our futon and slept next to him on the floor so that he wouldn't cry.  He walked him in and out of the front door of our house.  I stayed in the back with Temple.  

I checked my mom's accounts during my first morning home.  She ordered booze the minute we left.  The hearing aid place called and confirmed an appointment for Wednesday, even though they had said Thursday.  I didn't correct them.  My sister and I drove over and got her.  We instructed her not to speak and dropped her off at the door.  We waited as she walked in on her own, using her walker.  I felt horrible.  

I sat on the couch with Alec.  
"You are going to feel like shit if you wash your hands of your mom or if you take care of her.  You just have to figure out which will make you feel less shitty."  he told me.
"Do you want to go for the evaluation in the morning?"  I texted my mom.
"Yes."  she responded.  

"We'll be there at 7:00."

"So, I didn't want to tell you last week while you had so much going on but...."  Alec began.  
Alec had a major illness.  I am trying to respect his privacy here but it is serious.  And I was unavailable, taking care of everything that wasn't mine.  And it scares the shit out of me.  I can't live without him.  I can't live without Temple.  I can't neglect everything that makes my life worth living.  

Alec slept on the futon with Hunter for a second night.  Hunter still wandered, huffing and puffing at my bedroom door while Temple looked at me with complete curiosity.  We were up and in the car before seven am to pick my mom up for the state run rehab evaluation.  We got there and I rolled up on my knee scooter with my mom next to me on her walker.  We waited.  After a while, we figured out that we were at the wrong door and went inside.  It was nice.  They had a little Christmas tree and it was clean.  A young guy sat with his friends, his bags packed.  I heard the word fentanyl and shuddered.  They gave him a group hug and left.  A young woman came in with her grandfather.  They had heavy accents and I assumed they had driven for miles to get to Atlanta.  Grandpa had a Confederate insignia on his hat and a car tag that indicated that he was a vet.  But you know what, as much as I hate that Confederate shit I was glad that he took his granddaughter to Atlanta to get her straightened out.  Every time they called my mom back, she stared at me as if she didn't belong there.  That place was exactly where she belonged.

Finally, the admins asked me to come into the back for a private conversation.  
"So, we need to see her meds."

"Okay, I can be back and forth with her meds in probably forty-five minutes.  Are you taking her?" 
"We are concerned about her mobility.  There is a hill that she would have to walk up, a few times a day."
"Well, where is this hill?  Can we see it?"
We went outside.  My mom pushed herself up a small incline and asked if she was done.
"That wasn't the hill." the admin replied.
We went in the back again.  
"We don't think we can accommodate her."  the admin told me.
"She is a fall down drunk.  I don't know what to do.  I understand I UNDERSTAND but why won't she STOP DRINKING."  I responded.
"She's an addict.  Let me give you some resources."  they responded.
"Thank you.  I know it's not you, it's us."  I responded and we rolled back out to the car.  

"I was praying the whole time we sat there...."  my mom said.

"Praying that they wouldn't take you?"  I asked.

"Yes."  she responded. 

When we brought back my mom back to her house, there was a half gone bottle of coconut rum on the counter.

"Just pour it out!"  my mom demanded.

"Pour it out yourself, I'm not your maid."  I responded.  

I handed her the pages of resources the place had provided.  

"You are ruining my life."  I told her.

"Ruining my relationships, ruining everything."

Alec and I brought Hunter back to my mom's.  It was heartbreaking.  I kept his medication so that I could bring it back to my mom's house every morning.  Both to keep an eye on him, and on her.  But, I haven't been able to walk or drive.  So my sister has had to come and get me every morning so that I could bring him his pill.  

My niece and my sister came over.  They helped me buy a Christmas tree and we decorated it.  While we worked on it, the rehab three hours south of Atlanta called and asked why we hadn't brought my mom in.  I put my phone face down.  Any clear communication with those people would have been helpful.  Any clear communication at all.  

On Christmas Eve, I cleaned up my house and wrapped presents.  I set up food.  I bathed.  I finally sat on the couch and felt relieved that I had Christmas in hand.  Everyone came over and as the night went on, I just felt exhausted and sad.  I worked really hard, but couldn't get into it.  

I didn't want to keep asking my sister to drive to my mom's.  It's not good for anyone.  On the last day, I climbed on my hands and knees up to the car.  I got inside and drove to my mom's and texted her to come outside.  I handed her Hunter's meds.  

I text her every morning when he needs them.