Month Thirteen

"Hey Kaw, what up? Are you ready to read?"  I asked, feeling a little sleepy but happy that while the rest of the teachers weren't at school, I didn't have to be there either after we rearranged the testing schedule.  
"So, what do I need to bring to school tomorrow?"  he asked.  
"Don't worry, you know, your Chromebook, the charger....."
"Wait, stop!"  he announced, and turned his camera on.  I saw his book bag, sitting on a chair.  
"Go slower!"

I slowed down.  The Chromebook.  The charger I bought him, in case the charge goes down.  Some paper.

"This paper?!"  he called, turning his camera on again.

"That'll work, but don't worry, if they say you don't have what you need, I'll bring it to you.....look in that green bag, the one I dropped off.  Get the paper out of there, the pencils, too.  If they aren't sharpened, we can do it at school... I know they aren't sharpened...."  

"Okay, do I need the math books, both big and small?"

"Put it all in there, you're good."  I replied, trying to get on with the reading lesson.

"Okay,"  he responded.

"Do it again."

And, we revisited the list again, two, three times, until he felt like his bag was packed and ready for school.  And then, we read.

It was a book about Mars.  Over and over again he asked me if people live on other planets.  Science isn't really my jam, but I explained that all the planets are either too far away for us to reach, or are too cold or too hot, and that humans can't figure out how to breathe there.  

Every time we talked about a new planet, he would ask the same questions.  

I kept thinking about the moon.  A silly rock that only reflects the light of the sun, but cannot generate its own light.  And that is the only place we've been to. 

We watched a You Tube video of the February rover landing on Mars.  

Mars has two moons.

"Why haven't we gone to their moons?"

"That's a good question," I answered.

"I don't know why."

Moons are beautiful, was all I could think, but apparently without a lot of purpose.  

Kaw kept pushing, asking where extraterrestrials live.  I kept telling him that I didn't know, that so far, there is no evidence of life on other planets, but that our solar system is only one that we sort of know about and who the hell knows.  

"Area 51"  he finally announced.

"That's where they are."

We finished the lesson, after nearly two hours.  And then, he made me help him set up his Instagram account, so that he could contact Prem via messenger without having service.  Prem's message came through, finally:

"Do you want to play COD?"

"Let me in the call."

I added Prem to Kaw's Classroom and they started chattering.

"All right, friends.  I'm out.  Don't kill everything."  I announced.

"Oh no,"  they announced. 

"WE SUCK!"  

And started laughing hysterically.  

Rikitakashifu

 

"Ms. Wagner, have you ever sleep walked?"  Kaw asked.
"Actually, yes, a few times.  It's really crazy, my eyes were open and I was talking...."
"STOP!   STOP!"  he shrieked.  
"Too scary......."

"No, no...." I said, trying to finish my description.

"Scary!  Too, too scary."

I stopped. 

"I have to get going, friends.  I have to go by my mom's house on the way home from work."

"Oh!  Please tell her we said hi....."  Kaw exclaimed.

"I will, Kaw, thanks!"

"Ms. Wagner, what does this button do?"  Pablo asked, while we mutually read an article over our TEAMS call.  

"I don't know.  Push it."  I responded.

A series of speeds were listed after he pushed it.  We listened to the lady read the article ridiculously slow, then sped her up until she read the whole thing out loud in like, ten seconds.  It actually was pretty funny.  

"Guess what you guys?  I have to leave work right on time today, I'm um, I'm getting a shot.  The um, vaccine, I'm getting it today."  I told my fourth graders in one of our daily after-school video sessions.

"Ohhhhhh, Ms. Wagner.  I do not like shots.  I cry and have to calm myself."  Kaw blurted out.

"Yeah, I really don't like them either, but this one is pretty important."  I responded.  

"Ohhhh, Ms. Wagner, my mom says that if people get the vaccine, they like, turn in to animals.  Like maybe a giraffe, or even a snake......"  Paw Ku mentioned, carefully.  

"I'm going to bark all the way home!"  I responded, laughing.  

"I might even eat some of Lola's dog food!"  

They found that pretty amusing and I found myself brainstorming how I would incorporate random animal noises into my lesson the next day.  

Prem came in the call with the fourth graders and insisted that we play with Google Translate.  He claimed that my name is Rikitakashifu in Japanese.  I told them that I would refuse to answer to any other name for the rest of the school year. 

"No!!! Ms. Wagner!!!  Too long, too hard!!!!"  Kaw screamed.

"Okay, you can call me Rikitaka."  I responded.  Then, we made Google Translate say all of our names in different languages.  It was really struggling with their names.

"Put our names in Thai instead of English..."  Bway Pa called out.

"Thai or Burmese, which will..."

"THAI!!!"  they all screamed.  

"Ms. Wagner, I am really afraid to send my children back into the building, but a friend of mine said that if I don't, they'll get kicked out of school."

I read the message and felt really relieved that the parent had reached out to me with that information.  

"You have ever right to NOT send your children back to school.  There will be no repercussions and they will be able to continue attending school online and come back when you are comfortable.  They will not be kicked out.  The majority of parents have made that choice and it is completely acceptable."  I wrote back, in Spanish. 'Majority' didn't even cover it.  The first day that 25% our students were eligible to return to school, only 39 kids came.  The rest kept their children at home.  I only have a third of my students that are willing to re-enter the building. 

"Oh thank you, dios te bendinga, I lost my father to COVID on Tuesday.  My mom died a year ago.  I am completely alone and I am just very afraid."

I stared back at my computer screen.  In the last year, she left the father of her children because he had another woman and child on the side.  She also had another baby, I believe her fifth.  A one hundred year pandemic hit and she lost both of her parents.  I was speechless.  

Last Wednesday, Kaw didn't show up for his weekly online reading lesson.  He's never done that before. The fourth graders usually blow me up with messages on Wednesdays and I didn't receive a single message.  It was odd, and I hoped maybe their families had taken them to the park or something, it was really nice out.  I didn't sleep well that night and had weird dreams about Kaw.  He was alone, rowing a boat in the middle of some huge lake or sea.  He is a small boy and the sight of him alone like that was jarring.  Later, he popped up again in the dream and he was actually in the water, alone.  I woke up, tired from shitty sleep and felt horrible.  I just had a very bad feeling. 

When I got to work, I noticed multiple texts on my Google Voice from Kaw and from his older sister.  There were other messages from them through other platforms.  There were messages from Paw Ku's mom too.  Paw Ku is his best friend.  I was afraid to check the messages, but did anyway.  They were vague, just saying 'hello' and one mentioning that Kaw's sister wanted me to help her register her child for the pre-k lottery.  Finally I called one of the numbers and heard Kaw answer.

"Kaw, is that you?  It's Ms. Wagner."

"Yes," he responded quietly.

"I knew my sister had your number in her phone so I asked her for it and borrowed my mom's phone.  I can't log on!  No one can!"

The district changed the fucking passwords for everyone right in the middle of this mess.  He was freaking out.  I spoke to him on the phone on and off through the day, trying to get him online.  He texted me pictures of the error messages he was getting.  Finally, he was in around 1:30 in the afternoon.  He went and got his sister and followed my links to pull up the pre-k lottery website and present the screen so that I could see it.  He interpreted the questions into Karen for his sister and showed her how to click on things and fill it out.  He was completely running the show.  He is an eleven year old boy that arrived here as a refugee five years ago with zero English.  His abilities and willingness to get things done amazes me.  

Pablo looked at me through the screen, a devilish look in his eye.

"Guess what, Ms. Wagner?!  I'm the teacher now!"  he shrieked, laughing maniacally.

I could see that he was trying to mute me and busted out laughing.  He tried to kick me out of the meeting, too.

"Mute yourself!" he yelled, waiving a pool stick around and jumping on his couch.  

We didn't get a damn thing done but it was really funny.  

Pablo came into the school last Friday, to take another test.  He was literally the only child in the school.  He seemed a little creeped out.  We finished his test, called Lola on the app I have, grabbed a bunch of candy and went outside to wait for his mom to come and pick him up.  He was wearing his cool new hoodie, black jeans, red sneakers and his embroidered Mexican belt.  He looked cool, and I told him so.  He said they were new clothes, but the jeans were too tight.  He insisted on waiting at the corner of the school, right by the street and sat down on the curb.  

"Want to come over?"  he asked.

"When my mom comes, why don't you come with us?"

"Oh wow, I wish I could.  I have to stay at work."

"You should come by after you're done.  We can play with the puppies.  I play with them until the sun goes down."

"I really wish I could, Pablo, but I don't think I should come over while the virus is still around....."

"Can we come to Lola's birthday party?"

"I wish, I really wish, but I don't think this year is a good one.  You'll meet her in person, Pablo, I promise.  One day."

Shame In My Game

"Kemp changed the vaccination date for teachers.  They are letting you in on March 8th."
I didn't really know what to do.  I looked at a few drug store websites and none of them would let me register in advance.  Finally, Alec and I both registered on My Vaccine, hoping they would send us something whenever we could make appointments.  

I was surprised to see a notification in my email box Thursday evening.  It allowed me to make an appointment for the first dose of Pfizer at a mass vaccination site by the airport, about twenty miles from where I work.  I felt nearly as agitated as I did the night I found out that I had been exposed at work.  After setting up the appointment, I got excited.  Then, I walked into the kitchen.  As soon as I looked at Alec I felt enormously guilty.  He has been back at work since the summer.  In a restaurant.  He has been tested more times than I can count because his coworkers are constantly getting COVID.  He tried to reassure me that he didn't think I should feel bad, but I did.  And I still do. 

I texted everyone I know and put a message up on Facebook, fearing that they didn't know they could get appointments and worrying that all of them would book up.  I sat at work at 7:00 the next morning, when a text came through from a friend at my old school.

"Walgreen's has appointments in Decatur and they are letting us book both shots."
I sat at my desk, kind of staring off into space.  
I'm not going to mess with it, I thought.  I am grateful just to have an appointment.....but, I only have an appointment for one shot....what if they run out?  And Decatur is a hell of a lot closer than the airport from school....what's wrong with you?  What's wrong with you?  You can't be happy with your appointment?  It has to be closer, more convenient?  Asshole.  You are an asshole.  

I got on the Walgreen's website and got both appointments booked.  

"Do you know which vaccine it is?"  I texted back, worried because the website didn't say.  

My brain started working again....you bougie asshole.  Now you think you should get to shop around? What, J&J isn't good enough for you?  Alec doesn't have anything.  Holly doesn't have anything.  

The school system updated something with the internet the night before and half of my pages were getting blocked, no matter which wifi channel I used or which computer.  I was getting really anxious, the confirmations weren't coming through and my first class was about to start.  There was stuff I needed to see, I needed to get these appointments right.  My first class started and the internet was so janky I couldn't even see the kids on the call and I got kicked out multiple times in thirty minutes.  My stomach started to churn.  

What, this hurts your stomach?  Poor you.  Poor you getting vaccinated, so sorry it makes your stomach hurt.  So sorry it stresses you out to get stuff millions of other people need and can't get.  So sorry!

Both appointments got confirmed.  I am getting my first vaccination on Monday.  

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Yaaz removed his mask, during testing. I was about four feet away and I watched him hold his breath, cheeks like balloons, while he turned it over and readjusted it.  He is six.
"Yaaz, I noticed how conscientious you are with your mask, and I appreciate it."  I commented.  I started the stupid CD I have to play on a dusty old, beginning of time Title One funded boom box for this goddamned test and played the next track.
Yaaz responded to the prompt.  And then, he turned toward the boom box and screamed his sentence again, thinking it was somehow recording him.    

His dad's minivan had broken down in front of the school the day before, after he dropped him off for testing.  I was surprised he was there the next day for more bullshit testing.  

I called his dad and we went and stood outside after the second day of testing was done.  And, we walked around.  We looked at the trailers of all the various teachers and identified the cars they drove.  He thought I might have the giant SUV with super big wheels, instead of Alec's Honda.  We saw one of the teachers jumping rope outside of his trailer.  I saw him staring at my tights-encased legs, below my skirt.  

"I want speed clothes." he declared.

"What are those?"

"They fit you tight and make you run fast." he responded.

"That sounds awesome," I answered.

"Do you want to see the prints my shoes make in the mud?"

He didn't answer, but looked at my shoe prints.  

His dad came.  

"What was it?" I asked.

"The starter."

"I'm sorry.  That's money no one wants to spend."

"It's okay.  Now I am back to work."

"I'm sorry."  I said again.

"Get on up there, big guy." I directed Yaaz, and buckled him into the back seat of the different minivan.  

Dad smiled and waived, and drove away.  

"You know what I'm doing right now???"  Prem asked, in his subversive whisper while we were in virtual small group.

"What are you doing?"

"I am eating cheddar cheese Cheetos with jalapeños..." he hissed back.  

"Eat 'um up,"  I responded.

"That sounds good."

"But, work on that vocab your teacher wants you to do....you're going to get Trump orange stuff all over your Chromebook...." I continued.

"Nah, I'm typing with my hand that is missing fingers." he responded.  

I forgot about his hand.  

Read Across America day honors Dr. Suess' birthday.  Bougie schools ignore it, but old-school schools do all that stuff, even Red Ribbon Week.  I know Dr. Suess has gotten himself in a bit of a racist-ass mix lately, but I actually thought it was amazing when we had a virtual, all-school in all places read-along of "Oh, the Places You'll Go!".  It took forever to get it set up, but when it was happening, I sat there in my trailer, watching the book be read by one of my favorite teachers and panned around at my mission control of three computers and wires and craziness and saw her and the children's faces, with the daylight pouring in and I felt really okay.  

I did.