2020

"I used to like reading and writing, math...." Prem said absentmindedly.  It was after school and we were chatting while he sat in his closet and I sat on my couch, fifteen miles apart.

"But not really anymore..."

Why?  Because the instruction at our school is so boring?  Because all most of the teachers do is yell and demean the kids?  They are sucking the life out of Prem.  Out of everybody.  I spent the whole weekend daydreaming about getting him into a private school or winning the lottery so that I could buy his family a big house in a good school district.  I asked if he could get tested for gifted, anything to not kill his naturally inquisitive instincts.  Nothing worked. 

 

"Ms. Wagner, the reason I have my camera off is because I'm going to the bathroom."  Baby Gustavo informed me.  I winced, but thankfully the microphone was off, too.

I watched Paw Ku clutch rice into her hands, making it into balls.  She handed it to her four year old brother and he ate it.  She took little pieces from the plate for herself too, with her hands. 
"Do you eat the rice plain or with stuff on it?"  I asked.
"We eat it with fish," Kaw explained, from his separate remote condition.  The 'we' being Karen.
"Sauce or actual fish?"  I asked.
"Fish!" he responded.
"But, I don't eat the eyes."  he continued.

I hadn't realized that was going on.
Paw Ku held up a whole cooked fish to the camera.  It was picked nearly clean.  She dug the eye out and gave it to her brother, who ate it and grinned at all of us.  He's only four.  He knows my name and chants "I killed Ms. Wagner" when he is the imposter on Among Us.  

I sat, spacing out, watching one of the homeroom teachers blab on and on and on.

"What is inside my mouth....?" an un-muted student whispered. 

We were finally done with math.  After my last class ends, I spend most of the afternoons helping my fourth graders with whatever they need.  We do social studies, science, math, whatever.  When we are finished, someone usually starts a game of Among Us and we play and talk and listen to music for a while.  

"If I could have any pet, I would definitely have a crow."  Paw Ku mentioned randomly.

"Or an alligator.  And a lion."

"I gotta go!"  Bway Pa announced.

"I have to take a shower before it gets dark!  The light is broken in the bathroom and it's really dark!"

We all waived goodbye.  

Kaw has been coming to our one-on-one reading class religiously at 8:30, every Wednesday, the day when we don't have normal classes.  I'm throwing everything at it and I think he's doing really well.  I only plan for an hour, but we usually go over and at times the lessons have been almost an hour and a half.  He doesn't complain.  Actually, it's usually hard to get him to hang up.  I had to reschedule one of the Wednesdays because I wasn't at work.  We decided to meet after school on the Tuesday before.  When Kaw came onto the call, he was acting weird.  He hates turning his camera on and I don't make him, but he wouldn't even speak.  Finally, I heard a whisper.

"I can't talk because my brother is sleeping..."

"He's in the room with you?"  I whispered back.

"Yes...."  

I heard a baby start to cry.

"Oh god, Kaw, I'm sorry.  Let's read together another day, okay?  How about Thursday, after school?"

"Okay." he answered and we read Thursday, instead.

"I'm negative!"  Mario announced one day in class.

"Oh Mario, did you have to get tested?"  I asked.

"Yeah.  My mom's boyfriend has COVID so we all got tested.  My sister is negative too, but my older brother and sister and my mom's results aren't back yet."  he explained.

"Does your mom's boyfriend stay at his own house or is he with you?"  I responded.

"Oh no, he lives here with us.  His dad does too."

I saw Baby Gustavo's mom walk into the room behind him in her robe, waving at him to turn his camera off.  And then, I heard Gustavo's voice.

"My mom is crying.  Our friend from the congregation is dead.  Of COVID.  They wouldn't even let us visit her in the hospital."  he explained.  

"My mom had it three weeks ago."  Jorge mentioned.

"She's a nurse.  She's back at work now."

"I am so sorry.  I am just so sorry."  

I didn't know what else to say.  By the end of the week, five of the seven people living in Mario's house had active COVID.  Mario, who is eight, and his twelve year-old sister were caring for them, delivering plates of food outside of the infected's closed doors and running away, so that they could step out and take their food back into their quarantine rooms.  

One Wednesday, I spent nearly the entire day on calls with my students.  An hour in the morning with Kaw, then multiple hours in the afternoon with Kaw, Prem and a lot of the rest of fourth grade.  We did math.  We did science.  It was exhausting.  

"Watch this!"  Paw Ku announced.

I could see that she was outside, walking with her laptop.  The sky was gray and her face looked exhilarated, her long dark straight hair whipping back as she started to run.  Then, she was in someone else's house.  Then she was in front of Kaw's laptop, while Kaw danced around in the background, one of the few times I have seen his whole face in months.  Or ever.  They both started jumping around and chasing each other. 

One Wednesday morning, Kaw and I watched a speed lapsed video of hot air balloons over New Mexico.  It was beautiful.

"Oh wow...." he said quietly.

"Yeah...." I responded.

"Would you do that?"

"YES" he responded.  

  

Out of nowhere, our district changed the metric they use to decide if we are coming back into the building.  They changed it to one that will make us come back into the building in a matter of weeks.  It was shocking.  

"Do you think your parents will keep you at home or send you back to the building?"  I asked my students.

"School's better virtual."  Prem answered.

"We're not going anywhere.  Our house is like a prison, but it's a good prison."  Gustavo informed me, while snuggled under a fluffy blanket in his underwear and a wife beater with his brother and their laptops.

"We like going to school this way."  he continued.  

"I got in trouble in school...."  Kaw told me.

"How?  You wouldn't do anything bad...."

"I got in trouble because I didn't know anything."  he answered.

"I remember that!"  Paw Ku responded.

"Remember when that boy wouldn't stop trying to kiss me and grab my leg in kindergarten?  I ran away to my grandma's house, crying...."  she continued.  

"No."  Angel answered me, definitively and without explanation.