2024

New year, new me.  Maybe, maybe not.  I hosted Christmas and New Year's Day at my house.  Put up the tree, cleaned everything.  I even put bright vintage lights outside on the porch.  I bought Alec, Temple and myself matching pajamas.  It was great getting half of December, off.  

For some reason, I feel uncomfortable saying that I miss Lola.  I feel like I am not allowed, because we have Temple now.  But, I miss her terribly.  I miss her face in the mornings.  I miss the way she waited for me in the window when I would come home from work.  I miss how she took over my half of the bed, pushing against me.  I miss her chill, when we would go outside and she would lay on her outside bed and I'd sit beside her.  I miss her smell.  

I worry that it sounds like I don't love Temple, but I do.  I feel guilty when I think of Lola while I look at Temple.  I am also not sure how to refer to my dogs.  I don't like calling Lola my "old dog", as if she doesn't exist any more.  Or calling Temple my "new dog", as if she is a replacement.  I speak vaguely of "my dog" when others speak of theirs, and I know they think I'm talking about Lola, because it was too painful for me to say that she died.  I need a term for it, but there isn't one.  

Work is busy.  I lost Rafael and Arecely, and they were replaced by five other kids.  I teach seven classes a day now with only thirty minutes of planning. I have a little extra time after my afternoon duty and I try to maximize it.  I want my lessons to be good, especially Intensive English.  

It got so cold here after the MLK holiday that we got an extra day off.  But, the Wednesday after, it was twelve degrees when I left for work and they made us come in anyway, around seven in the morning.  In the south, where people don't own winter clothing.  Where poor kids stand in the dark on unlit roads in hoodies, waiting a half an hour for the school bus.  I didn't agree with it, but obviously went in to work.  I signed in, then ran to my trailer to heat it up.   My morning phonics kids didn't even come to school, so I sat in the trailer, figuring out my day.  I heard a knock at the door.

"Eduardo!"  I exclaimed, grabbing him into the trailer.
He was all bundled up.  
"I am the only one who has to go to school today!"  he howled.  His mom was letting his little sisters stay home, because it was too cold.  We talked.  How was middle school.  How were the other kids from last year.  How was he.  I showed him pictures of Temple, still thinking of the last time he stopped by when I burst into tears because Lola had just died.  

"You look happy."  he told me, and smiled.