As Days Go By

Lola and I sat on the steps in front of the house, watching cars go by.  There was a weird silence between us.  I wasn't singing to her or calling her my 'good girl'.  But she sat beside me, solemnly.  We sat about a foot apart and stared at the road.

Her eyes didn't look as guilty and downcast as the night before when she awkwardly took a piss right on her bed, something she has never done before, then walked cautiously in circles around me while I sat on the laundry room floor crying, before putting herself in her crate and leaving her back facing the open door. 

I only remember screaming.  Screaming and grabbing her, picking her up.  And crying.  The baby chick was still in her mouth.  The rest of them were strewn around my sister's yard.  The baby chickens my sister had been carefully raising.  Gone.  All of them gone.

Lola and I walked around the block.  Suddenly, I saw a hand shoot out of a window.
"Maestra Hilary!" a child called.
I knew who he was.  And I felt such a pure longing in my heart that I couldn't believe it.  Something on my side hurt.  I did it myself. 

"Why didn't you take his phone up?" one of the students asked, after some kid's phone rang loudly in class.
"I don't know," I answered, "I don't feel like it".
I gave them some shit to do.  A lot of them didn't do it. And I could really give a shit.

I stood in the copy room, um, copying shit.  Some lady busted in, some other teacher that I don't know.
"So, are you part-time by choice or because you couldn't get anything else?" she asked abruptly, even though I smile a lot, an awful lot.
 I try to put on a nice veneer.  I've learned to pretend to be happy.
"By necessity," I responded "I got laid off in May, they cancelled my program.  There weren't any jobs left". 
Any more questions, you stupid cunt?

"Hilary!  We would like to invite you to help us with our October conference of international teachers on Fulbright exchange to the United States" the email said.  "We are so glad that you landed on your feet after being laid off.  Do they know that they are lucky to have you?  The Atlanta schools NEED you".

I'm not as good as I used to be.  I am just so tired.

Fulbright always pops up when I am low.  And I am really low these days.

I hope they can help me.