All Tomorrow's Parties

The air raid sirens were echoing through the night, followed by a loud, Native American warrior chant.  I found it exciting at first.  But little by little, it was becoming a barrage, a kind of disturbing barrage.  It made me want to crawl under my seat like Lola does when too much shit is happening around her. 

I haven't been to a baseball game in years.  It was actually kind of pleasant, nice weather, good company and these guys running around doing Dios sabe qué on some really nice grass.  If only the sirens would stop...

I finished the school year.  Now, I am numb.  And confused.  It is difficult for me to articulate what has gone on the last weeks.  All I know is that I will miss my students terribly, miss knowing every kid in this neighborhood, miss jogging around the park and hearing kids scream my name and reach their hands out of car windows to wave...I was almost to the point where I thought I would do anything to stay with them, take on a job that was ill suited for me, work for free, fight for a job that would barely cover my bills, anything to stay in my little community at that school.  On the last morning meeting of the school year, they called me in front of the crowd with the other teachers that were "taking on new adventures".  When I saw Miss Jane and Mr. Jerry dressed up like Sunday church and in the line of those that would be exploring vast new horizons, I burst into tears.  They have been the custodians at that school for nine years.  They loved my little mohawked Emma.  And they were let go for a cheaper company.  That was when I cried, I mean really cried.   But now, I am numb.  

I threw a party at my house, invited everyone from the school that I really love.  It was fun, too much fun.  My sister surprised me by decorating my yard and buying me these awesome beer chillers.  I was thrilled and raging, trying to be sure to talk to every single one of those people at length.  And then I opened my big drunk mouth and let out one of my beloved's responsibly guarded secret, not out of spite or gossip, but love, out of love that she had been screwed and couldn't tell anyone about it.

I woke up at five in the morning and pulled Lola out of her crate and made her lie in my bed with me.  I spent the day feeling guilty and stupid, guilty that I betrayed my friend, guilty that I don't think my sister knows how much I appreciate her.  Guilty.  I sat in the classroom, tired, boxing up my stuff.

And felt bad.