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I really couldn't get out of bed.  It was Friday night and honestly, I had had quite a few beers.  Lola needed to go out.  Alec went outside with her.  The first time.  Then, the second time, third and fourth.  I laid on the couch the last time and realized Alec had left her outside the last time, with the owls howling, and went back to bed.  I let her back in.

I drove into school, thinking how happy I was that I hadn't seen another dead animal in the road lately.  Right as I thought it, I saw a large cat, or possibly raccoon, dead in the middle of the road.  I averted my eyes and swerved to miss it.

I noticed the bruise on the arm of one of my Karen girls.
"What's that?" I asked.  She started giggling, suspiciously.
"A hickie!" she howled and my other student lifted up her wrist to show me a commiserate mark.
"We gave them to ourselves!"  she shrieked, then updated the mark with her mouth.

Lola threw up again, a lot of bile.
"Let's put her on chicken and rice, that's what the vet always says to do."
Alec drove to the store and bought the supplies.  We cooked it and gave Lola.  She threw up the whole meal, undigested, within minutes.
"I guess we have to do the twenty-four hour fast."

"I don't want to walk home.  I don't want to see that dead cat.  I try not to look but I look anyway and now I can see its bones...."  Alberto informed me.
"That cat is still there?"  I asked, incredulous.
"YES!  It used to come into my backyard.  A squirrel, a possum, I don't know, it doesn't bother me so much.  But a cat...."
"I feel the same way, Alberto.  I am so sorry.  If you don't mind, I am going to email someone right now about this...."
I opened my laptop and emailed the sanitation department, the same place I emailed when I couldn't look at the dog that looked like Lola laying in the street a minute longer.

Lola's vomiting was increasing.  I walked outside and found her in the bushes, snout pushed to the ground, violently dry heaving right next to an old pile of poop.  She would never come that close to poop if she was okay.  I was horrified and brought her inside.  And for some reason, I left for about forty-five minutes.  Or maybe I didn't leave then, because the day is becoming a blur to me.  But, I did leave while she was sick. 

"This thing keeps going up like a vampire..."  Angel mentioned, randomly, pointing to the collar on his shirt.
"Or romantic movies...." Alejandro finished intently, reading a definition out loud to the class, carefully.
"Alejandro!"  one of the only nice teachers in my school called out. 
"Step back from those romantic movies!  Te quiero!!!"
Alejandro smiled and turned bright red.

I came home and found four piles of bile-vomit on the floor.  One of them was tinted with blood.  I cleaned it up and tried to call the vet.  They were closed.  Lola vomited again, and it was clear of blood.  I paced and waited.  She wanted to go outside.  I kept her in, deciding that anything that was going to happen was going to happen right where I could see it.  She crouched, like she was going to poop.  I hovered.  Blood sprayed from her bottom.  A lot of blood.  I put her leash on and raced her to the emergency vet.

We arrived at the vet and they took us to a room. Lola crouched and blood sprayed from her again.  I started screaming and crying and waving for someone to help us.

We stayed several hours.  They took her to the back and pumped her with fluids.  Then, they recommended taking Lola home, along with a bag of medicine and a lot of things to watch for.  We drove slowly down Abernathy and onto Georgia Avenue.  She looked solemn.  I thought about riding back from Mexico with her.  My warrior.  My valiant dog.  I clenched my fists on the steering wheel, but started to relax near Summerhill.  H. Johnson was on the radio, and I turned it up a little, hoping it would sooth her.

She violently vomited multiple times when we got home, the one thing they said I should be worried about.  She paced, visibly uncomfortable, clawing the furniture and driving her face into the couch and chair corners.  It was misery.  Finally, she laid between my legs on the bed and fell asleep, her head in her paws.  I watched her sleep for three hours.  In the morning, I took her back to the vet and they admitted her, without asking me or trying to talk me into it.  Sunday was a bad day.  Monday was too.  They were doing tests and warned of emergency surgery.  Alec and I could only visit her.  She was on intravenous medicine and food.  She was lethargic and dirty.  She was horribly ill.  Every minute I was away from her I wondered if my dog was dead and they hadn't told me yet.  I couldn't sleep or think.  My stomach was raw.  My thoughts were dark.  Very dark.

I went to work Tuesday morning.  A co-worker instructed me to wash my face, though I had just arrived.
"It's in the eyes, you can tell something is wrong...." she said lowly.
I felt sicker and sicker.  I called the vet on my first break.
"She started eating on her own.  The blockage we thought we saw isn't visible anymore, she can go home."
I asked a lot of questions.  Then, I packed up all of my things and stacked them on my desk so that I could drive to the vet the minute I was allowed to leave.

"Soooo, my dad came to visit and I have one more high, my sister is gay....!"  Alberto continued, his Mexican accent extending all of his vowels.
"What, um, your sister is...?"
"Gay" he said happily.  He shrugged.
"It's fine.  She told us.  She has a crush on a girl."
"Okay.  But, is the cat gone?"  Angel asked.
"YES!"  he answered.
"Yes it is!"

Strange Magic

"I'm done with fruit punch."  Alberto informed me, solemnly. 
"It's over between you two?"  I responded.
"Yes." he answered firmly and continued working.

"If the seizure lasts more than five minutes, you will have to administer Diastat.  Roll the child on their side, grab the lubricant...."
Lubricant?  I inadvertently sat up straighter.  I didn't like where this was headed.
"After the K-Y, plunge the medication in the rectum."
She spoke with such authority.

"We have to do a cross-curricular task even though it's our Reading time," I informed my fourth grade group.  They weren't pleased.  It meant that we would remain in their classroom with the rest of the students, instead of going to the trailer. 
"Have you heard of the Boston Massacre?"  I continued, whispering, trying to give them a little pre-knowledge while the general education teacher warmed up her spiel.
"Is it like a purge?"  my new student, Prem, asked.
"How do you define purge?"
"When men rush in and kill everyone."
"Yeah, that's pretty much it...." I answered, looking down at his maimed limb that I have never had the heart to ask about.  It's probably a birth defect, I repeated over and over in my mind. 
"Stand in a circle and and grab your neighbor's hand!"  the general ed teacher commanded.  I jumped up and made sure I was on the side of Prem's gnarled limb, and grabbed it and held it. 

"Habiba, why do you only have one buck?"  I asked.  The Housing Authority has started an extrinsic reward system that allows students to receive "bucks" for good behavior. They use them to buy things, stuff we get from Dollar Tree. 
"I spent all my money on ring pops and popcorn." she announced, spinning and smiling.
"Are you satisfied with your decision?" I responded.
"YES I AM." she answered definitively, hijab swinging as she skipped out the door. 

"Do you have a printer in here?"  the elderly woman that works at my school asked me, after pounding on the door of my trailer.
I paused.  I have the one I bought myself, that is hidden under my desk, but I wasn't sure what she was asking about.
"No, I don't know if any of the trailers have printers." I responded. 
"This used to be the Art trailer," she responded.  I already knew that, after I stole half of the stuff both for my students, and, myself. 
"There used to be a Promethian board in here.  One night, people broke in. They took the board, but no one really needs that in their house, so they smashed it on the blacktop.  Smashed all her pencil sharpeners, too."
She had a strange smile on her face.
"I hope that doesn't happen to me."  I responded. 

"What happened to your face?"  Prem asked me, his eyebrows knitting together in the middle.
"Oh, I got burned and now it is totally peeling off.  It's annoying!"  I responded, pretending to scratch my face off.
He didn't laugh.
"Are you going to die?"  he asked, face still covered with worry.
"No Prem.  I'm not going to die."  I responded gently. 
He didn't seem convinced.

Born to Run

I felt something strange on my leg.  I looked down and saw the feral child, the one that clearly has problems, the one that climbs under her desk and stays there during the first days of kindergarten.  Her tongue was out, connected to my shin.  She screams.  If you ask her to do the slightest thing, she refuses.
I laughed in my head at a professor I had recently that didn't know what EBD meant, but pretended to.  I was looking at it. Then, I wiped hand sanitizer all over my leg.  I'm already sick.

"Do the owls still come to your back yard?"  one of Karen students whispered to me.  I have to push-in to a lot of my classes now.
"Yes...they came this summer...." I whispered back.

I heard a growling noise, like the devil.  It was coming from the kindergartener in front of me.

I drove to school in the beginning morning light.  I saw a dog, dead, lying next to the road.  Its chest was white and its sides were medium brown.  It was dead.  She was dead.  He was dead.  I tried to re-direct my thoughts.  I tried to think to heaven and hope that whatever happened to him was quick and painless.

"Do you ever hear Ms. Patrick screaming?" my students asked me.
"No, and I'm surprised by that.  I have seen students crying outside her trailer, though."  I responded.

Hiccuping, chocking, bawling.  Feral, hollow screams.  Back by the woods where the trailers are, where the snakes come out of the creek and lie on the black top.  While she screamed 'crybaby' at them and demeaned them.  Called them 'boy', asked if they were 'man enough' fight her.  I saw that.  And, I will never let that happen to you.  I'll fight her myself if I have to.

"Ms. Wagner, I know you don't want to hear this...."
"It's okay, mami, tell me...."
"I saw a dog that looks like yours, looks like Lola, on the side of the road today...."

"I saw her too, Patricia.  It was a sad thing.  Let's hope the best for her..., we have to think of other things."

I watched people washing the ancient "warrior" Native American mascot painting off of the front of the school window.

"Why do you think they are doing that?"  Alejandro asked me.
"Why do you?" I questioned back.
"I have no idea."
"I might be wrong, but, I guess that a lot of people find using humans as mascots inappropriate.  But again, I might be wrong."
"Yeah, " he answered,
"who knows?"

Love is Strange

"When I saw the pool, I thought it would be cold. But Vaaman told me it was heated.  I am upper middle class.  From India.  And I felt guilty.  Later, I decided I would own that pool."

I am back in school.  I try to keep my heart and mind high.  I sat down for the first faculty meeting breakfast, after getting the only rudimentary vegan food available, which I am not asshole about because thankfully something was there, when our principal instructed us to pray.  That, I will not do.  I'll take your milk-fat laden watered down grits, a piece of bread and a cup of black coffee, but I will not pray to god. Or do the pledge, either.  

I got a trailer.  It has a metal outer-casing and walls made of cardboard.  I have not had my own teaching space in eight years.  I was thrilled.  It was everything I wanted.  I ripped the old butcher paper off of the walls, knowing that there would be holes underneath.  I scrubbed the white board, though permanent marker never comes off. I dragged 1950s school furniture all over the place until the custodians got mad.  I put it all back because they have a harder job than I do. I scrubbed and scrubbed.  And then, a random county worker showed up and fixed the hole in the floor.  And a second man walked in, Vietnamese, saw me with my international students, and repaired all of the fucked up lights in the ceiling and put covers on them, so that none of the kids would be hit by falling tubes.

"My dad....isn't a criminal...." the sobbing child stammered, face red and covered in tears.  I looked at the T.V. and wondered for a minute why Maria was on it, then realized the terrorized girl wasn't my student.  

I was pretty jazzed about the trailer and put a picture of it up online.  A girl I've known, for really a lot of my life, responded to my picture of the trailer:  That looks like my elementary school.

Back in the way back days, the 80s, every middle class parent locked up their kids into "rehabs" if they were struggling.  It happened to my sister.  My first boyfriend, when I was in tenth grade, had gone through more than one.  And this nice lady, the girl that I've known, that is the same age as I am, was put in one of those "rehabs" when she was twelve.  It's a long story.  It's going to take me a minute to explain it to you, Kitty.  

And, she recognized the beat up trailer.  It must be at least forty years old.  And she was snatched from there soon after.  A child. 

I am struggling with my work load.  I sat in the kindergarten classroom, watching a boy who is not on my caseload.  His hair was tied up tight, and he pulled up his alphabet strip and bit it.  He looked like the Grinch.  

I cleaned the trailer.  I store snacks in there, because I am sort of trying to work on myself.  I put them in a plastic box, fearing rats. 

"You're in the trailer now?"  a co-worker asked me.

"Yaaas.  It the bomb."  I responded.

'What do ya think about snakes?'

I stopped.  What the fuck are you talking about?  Our principal took the stage.  There is a creek behind the trailers.  We have snakes.

"So I  ran behind the whole place and put snake be gone all over, but,  be careful!"

I can't do this.  

I tip toed through the Cafetorium, trying not to fuck up the custodians' work.  I saw my main man, Carl.  

"Gosh, this it the calm before the storm," I mentioned in passing.

"You just gotta learn to dance in the rain."  he responded,

And I will.  I will.  I will.  I will.

Don't Bring Me Down

My cart's wheels scraped the floor as I curbed it hard around a corner in the low-rent grocery store in southern Mississippi.  The radio sounded so good.

"You got me runnin' goin' out of my mind
You got me thinkin' that I'm wastin' my time"

I skidded around another corner.  
I had never felt better in my life.  

I collectively spun a little tray with candles on it, kind of like manipulating a ouja board, with other females as part of a Hindu wedding ceremony.   We all had our hands on it, while we watched Alec's sister get married.  

I drove to my mom's to take her south to the beach.  Little kids sold bottled water in the street, while their dad sat in the MARTA bus shelter.  

"Here comes the story of the Hurricane.
The man the authorities came to blame.
For something that he never done.
Put in a prison cell, but one time he could a been,
the champion of the world."

I pushed the gas. 

The Mississippi radio hated Kaepernick and loved Jesus.  I looked for some more old Rod Stewart on the radio, the good ones, those old romantic songs. 

"I need your help.  Do you remember me?  I was your student." 
I flew south from Connecticut. 
We sat at Refuge Coffee, rain pouring down outside while I tried to fix everything that I knew I could not.  It rained really hard. 

"You thick!" 
I smiled and nodded.
"You sweet too!" 
"You just have to pull your butt cheeks apart, sand won't go up there!"  the lady to my right let me know as I sat at the shore of the Georgian Atlantic. 

Alec's brother showed up with pounds of chanterelles he had picked from a swamp full of alligators and snakes, a bottle of nice olive oil and a baguette.  We ate the feast at a log cabin on the ocean, surrounded by oaks whose branches reached toward the ground instead of the sky, some clinging with Spanish moss. 

"I'm not having a mid-life crisis, I already had that, the rental people gave me that car!" he exclaimed, motioning to the rental Charger beside the log cabin. 

He gunned the engine and tore out, just to make us laugh. 



*Lyrics, Don't Bring Me Down, ELO
**Lyrics, The Hurricane, Bob Dylan

The Man in the Mirror

I can hear lions from my back yard.  Owls roost and howl, creating a cacophony of noise that belongs in National Geographic.  I am lucky.  Luckier than most.  I live in a magical place.

"I'm looking at the man in the mirror!" the kids sang, at one of many awards ceremonies that accompanied various grades.  I stood there, waiting for my part, my uncomfortable part. They were going to make me come up there, with a microphone, and address everyone to give out ESOL awards.  I watched the Asian moms come in, they caught my eye because they stand out racially and I knew who they were there for some of my students.  I was surprised and glad that they came.

I always picture my Karen students among large leaves of green, in beautiful jungles, the ones Alec and I hiked in in northern Thailand and Laos, surrounded by beauty, dressed in white, climbing gracefully through beautiful areas.

"You can't just stand here, go in or go out."  one of the para-pros instructed harshly, when one of the Asian moms stepped outside to take a phone call.
The mom was dressed in winter clothing, a large puffy coat, in mid-May.  Her face was stretched and worn, beat down.  She quickly came back in.  Nothing about her reflected those beautiful tribal girls I saw twenty years ago, and she might have been one of them.  Her babies still looked like the rich green plants I saw in Thailand, even though they live in a broke-down, semi-suburban sprawl, the place where I spend my time, too.  The place that was supposed to be better.

I watched the Vazquez family, a family facing stress beyond normal measures. I watched the mom watch her son give the introduction to the assembly, dressed in a suit, his feet not touching the floor before he stood up and charmed everyone with his eloquence.  Another of her sons played the violin with the strings assemble.  When the older son crossed behind the adults, she made him give her his dress shoes and shoved them into a Kroger bag, while she in return gave him his tennis shoes.  And hugged him and kissed him. The father had been there the day before, for Field Day.  Ate lunch with his sons, helped out the PTA.  The only man I saw doing that, even when the ambulance pulled up to to take a chid away in the bus line and my teacher roommate broke her foot and we dragged her out of that place, that place where we work.  Where one man, a teacher, kicked the feet out from under a child and smiled.

We had Field Day at the Housing Authority, too.  It was one of the most fun times of the year.  We chased them, threw water balloons, played tug of war all while some of our "bosses" joyously sprayed the kids from a balcony with a giant hose.  It was a wildly toned-down version of what went on at my school for Field Day, which kept it in the safe parameters of old school fun and joy.

"Will you be here before I get here?"  LeGary asked me desperately, in the hallway.
"Yes.  I will be in the science room before you are released and I'll be waiting for you."
I rushed to be at my duty station after my last class, the room where I monitor the homeless kids, so that I would be there before he got there.  He came in crying.  His brother Lonnie always cries, but LeGary does not.
"I don't want to ride that bus." he stated.
"She's here, my mom is here.  She came for Lonnie's award ceremony."
"We are going to find her.  You have to help me, there are a lot of adults here, I haven't met your mom, what does she look like?"
"Well, she's wearin' a little wig...." he answered, lowly, with eyes wide.  That could have been eighty percent of the women in that building.
We looked all over for her.  But she had taken Lonnie and gone home, on MARTA.  The other two kids rode the giant school bus to the shelter, alone for hours.

"Do you know what you are looking at?"  Carl, the custodian, asked me.  He used to work at my former establishment, and I don't know why I qualify him as 'custodian'.  He's a comrade.
I looked over at the Cafetorium, and saw children dancing and singing to Old Town Road.
"That's pure joy." he told me.
"That's why I work with kids," I answered.
"They still have what we don't."

The last day of school happened.  The end of a strange year.  My school has the same tradition my old school had of going outside and waving to the kids as the buses pulled off.  I like it.  I took the homeless kids and we went out there, even though their bus wouldn't be there for a while.  The librarian had her karaoke machine out, blasting rap.  And the teachers line danced in the carpool line, long after the buses pulled off and the parents' cars stopped coming.

I finished up my work at the Housing Authority a week after I was out of official school, because my former district cannot manage a school calendar.  I dressed up, and stood with a microphone in my hand, determined to sort of own it since I had spoken to so many large groups of people in the last few weeks, clutching said microphone and staring at the ground.  We stacked the chairs and the teachers went out after for drinks, like we have for the past three years on our last night.  I left my car, or I mean Alec's car, parked in the apartments, as did two of my co-workers.  We walked back in the dark to get them, through the bougie area of my former district and into the projects.  I heard a thumping sound.  I quickened my step.  Multiple kids, middle schoolers that I know, were punching a boy.  His arms we extended vertically, as if he was hanging from monkey bars, and they were punching him in the ribs, in the back, on the front porch of one of the apartments. 

"They're fighting... we have to stop them...."
"I can call 911....." one answered.
The kids stopped and stared at us.  I locked eyes with a little girl that I taught three years ago and I think I saw shame.
"Is everyone okay here?"  Ms. Henry asked, authoritatively.
"Yeah, it's good!" the boy that was getting beaten responded.  I knew him, too.  He is mentally unstable.  He probably asked them to do it.  And unfortunately, when he decides to turn it around on them, he will probably kill someone.
"Hi Ms. Henry!"  a group of kindergarteners yelled, from their spectator's perch of the fight.  They didn't even know they weren't supposed to be there.

I drove Alec's car back out of the apartments and off to my summer break.  As I glanced to my left, I saw a boy being helped by two other people, one on each side, back to his apartment.

Can't Nobody Tell Me Nothin'

"FOCUS...." I instructed my four-student, third grade team.
"Chili cheese fry brain," I mumbled, looking sideways, undercutting my previous warning.  They started giggling.
"Rat smell..." I continued.
I can't even remember where the ongoing, chili-cheese-fry-rat-smell inside joke started, but the last hour of the school day is a constant mix of sternness and delirium.

I looked over at Faba.  The students had been instructed to wear their teacher's favorite color to school that day.  His too-small, tight green t-shirt had obviously been dug from the bottom of a drawer, with care.

"Are you worried about something?' a little girl asked me.  I smiled and asked her what she meant.
"You just like you're worried about something." she said and smiled, touching my hand.

Alec read over the New York Times article about humanitarians in various stages of legal trouble for trying to help migrants survive their trek across the southwestern United States.
"That's what you used to do..." he kind of asked-stated.
My mind's eye flashed backwards to the men in the back of my car, to the medical helicopter flying into the desert sky with one man while the Border Patrol handcuffed another, to the men splayed out on the dirt road, eyes red and Mexican ID cards laid in front of them.
"Yeah." I answered.

I walked through the cafeteria to the place where my desk is located.  A hand extended, the little girl in the same sweater, the one that was worried that I was worried.

Gabriel swept the floor of the lab where I sit with the homeless kids, waiting for their special bus.  He is on the school's Safety Patrol.  I teach a number of his four siblings, they are pretty widely regarded as probably the most awesome family in the school:  smart, respectful, sweet.  All of them.  Everyone even knows their parents, a rarity at my school, because they escort their children to and from our establishment everyday.
"Gabriel, were you ever in ESOL?"  I asked in English, though I usually force him to practice Spanish with me.
"No, they gave me the test though when we moved to this school from Silver Hill."
Remarkable, I thought.  Neither parent speaks English as a first language, yet they were able to raise their son to be bilingual enough to not qualify for English services.
"I didn't know that you had gone to another school before here." I responded.
"Well, my mom doesn't have a driver's license...."
I felt the hair on my arms stand up.
"So we needed to move closer so that she wouldn't have to drive far to bring us to school." he continued.
"My dad works all the time." he added, still sweeping the floor.
The dad, the same dad that still finds time to accompany his children to school every morning.  They chase each other up the front sidewalk, all laughter and smiles.  A man that truly enjoys his children.
"One day he got pulled over and he gave them his Mexican driver's license and they took him to jail.  It took a long time to get him out."
I noticed an almost electrical smell, emanating from the sweat accumulating at the roots of my hair.
"So, he has a trial coming to decide if he will be sent back to Mexico.  My mom is from a town called Honduras."
"I am so sorry, Gabriel.  That must be so stressful for your family." I said, hunting for the right thing to say.
"It is.  It is very stressful.  We have to rely on our faith." he responded solemnly, like a person well beyond his eleven years.

"I still think you're worried," she told me again, one of the following mornings of many mornings.
"You need to think of happy things." she advised me, and walked away.

"Highs and lows?"  I asked my Housing Authority group.
"HIGH...."  Aazim answered, eyes aglow.
"My parents, both of them, left us, all of us, alone in the apartment on Saturday....."
"ALL of you?  You, Mahja, Suleymann.....wait, who am I forgetting?"
"Jabez!  Yes, all of us...." he said, sighing contently.
"Is the apartment still standing?  Does it have walls still?"
"It does, it does," he answered.
"I drank soda until my heart was content."

*Title, Old Town Road, Lil Nas X